I haven’t been posting for a while. I’ve been quite socially withdrawn, for two reasons, the time and energy my job takes out in the real world, and…the effects of neglect and spiritual warfare.
Lemme just write the thing that’s been on my mind that I’ve procrastinated writing between work busyness and the sense that most people brush off the supernatural aspects of our world.
Years ago, I’d say 2011 or 2012, I had a terrifying nightmare. In it a monstrous vaguely humanoid form of light was attacking in me. It wasn’t touching me, but it was using force against me such that I felt my head was shaking so much it would shatter. I think other similar creatures were around as well, but certainly the one was attacking me, trying to break my face. And it kept happening again and again. It felt like an eon before I woke up and didn’t have to endure fake subconscious pain anymore.
I can’t remember if I woke up from this nightmare naturally, or if this was one of the two nightmares that I woke up from only after speaking Jesus name. Because looking back on the first dream I described, I see it is exactly what happened in my life: demons trying to break my mind, trying to force me to give up. They were similarly depicted as misty forms of vicious light in the other nightmares. I know I said “Jesus is Lord” to wake up from one, and something different in the other, like ‘Jesus saves.’ At any rate, true evil was after me and fled once I said Jesus name, however waking up in the middle of the night after that, I felt utterly terrified.
And throughout the years I feel like my mind has grown weaker, engulfed in self-hatred, despair, and so much fear.
Yet also greater clarity on God’s calling and vocation in my life. And somehow I still haven’t given up on it despite feeling like the weakest person ever. Somehow there was enough determination in me to keep my shattered pieces together. Well, I don’t consider Faith to be my spiritual gift for no reason! Even when I told myself, “I’m doomed, I can’t fulfill God’s purpose for my life,” I knew that something would end up reigniting some hope, some lead on the future I’m meant for and I would still walk all the miles it takes to get there–no matter how many times I simply stop walking for a time.
One moment I will think, “I’m worthless,” and the next I’ll remind myself, “Yeah, well I know that’s not literally true. Life sure sucks though.”
Back and forth, back forth, telling and feeling everything bad about myself, but knowing the cold, hard facts that deny all the lies. Yet I can’t feel the truth at all. The facts don’t calm my flight response. At least not often enough.
From what it seems to me, God has always had a hedge of protection around me, except for mentally, My mind gets to be the battlefield and I feel like I’ve proven a strategic mess in it. It’s put out one fire after another in reactive stress without being able to clean things up and fortify them. I wish I fought in a way that felt confident and valorous, but I guess that’s hard to do when it slowly dawns on you that, “Oh, I’m standing in the middle of the battlefield, alone and outnumbered…WHAT DO I DO?!”
I mean, on one hand it’s all cool to be the target of demons cuz that obviously means I am some sort of important threat to them in the millennia long war of good vs. evil and all that epic stuff. BUT IT ALSO REALLY SUCKS!
This personal awareness of course led to recognizing the extent of demonic influence and evil in the world. I so wish I could convey the absolute hatred demons have for all of us, the brutality and horror they wish to inflict on us. tThey seek to put evil in power and grind us down under it. You need only see the headline grabbers of ISIS to Epstein to understand that.
My comic on here was attempting to convey my personal battle, but since then I’ve been overwhelmed seeing the extent of what this spiritual war is and I don’t know what to do next about it. For now I will consider this post another step forward. And I will seek to fight and stand firm better in the New Year.