Mindbreaking

I haven’t been posting for a while.  I’ve been quite socially withdrawn, for two reasons, the time and energy my job takes out in the real world, and…the effects of neglect and spiritual warfare.

Lemme just write the thing that’s been on my mind that I’ve procrastinated writing between work busyness and the sense that most people brush off the supernatural aspects of our world.

Years ago, I’d say 2011 or 2012, I had a terrifying nightmare.  In it a monstrous vaguely humanoid form of light was attacking in me. It wasn’t touching me, but it was using force against me such that I felt my head was shaking so much it would shatter.  I think other similar creatures were around as well, but certainly the one was attacking me, trying to break my face.  And it kept happening again and again.  It felt like an eon before I woke up and didn’t have to endure fake subconscious pain anymore.

I can’t remember if I woke up from this nightmare naturally, or if this was one of the two nightmares that I woke up from only after speaking Jesus name.  Because looking back on the first dream I described, I see it is exactly what happened in my life: demons trying to break my mind, trying to force me to give up.  They were similarly depicted as misty forms of vicious light in the other nightmares.  I know I said “Jesus is Lord” to wake up from one, and something different in the other, like ‘Jesus saves.’  At any rate, true evil was after me and fled once I said Jesus name, however waking up in the middle of the night after that, I felt utterly terrified.

And throughout the years I feel like my mind has grown weaker, engulfed in self-hatred, despair, and so much fear.

Yet also greater clarity on God’s calling and vocation in my life.  And somehow I still haven’t given up on it despite feeling like the weakest person ever.  Somehow there was enough determination in me to keep my shattered pieces together.  Well, I don’t consider Faith to be my spiritual gift for no reason!  Even when I told myself, “I’m doomed, I can’t fulfill God’s purpose for my life,” I knew that something would end up reigniting some hope, some lead on the future I’m meant for and I would still walk all the miles it takes to get there–no matter how many times I simply stop walking for a time.

One moment I will think, “I’m worthless,” and the next I’ll remind myself, “Yeah, well I know that’s not literally true.  Life sure sucks though.”

Back and forth, back forth, telling and feeling everything bad about myself, but knowing the cold, hard facts that deny all the lies.  Yet I can’t feel the truth at all.  The facts don’t calm my flight response.  At least not often enough.

From what it seems to me, God has always had a hedge of protection around me, except for mentally,  My mind gets to be the battlefield and I feel like I’ve proven a strategic mess in it.  It’s put out one fire after another in reactive stress without being able to clean things up and fortify them.  I wish I fought in a way that felt confident and valorous, but I guess that’s hard to do when it slowly dawns on you that, “Oh, I’m standing in the middle of the battlefield, alone and outnumbered…WHAT DO I DO?!”

I mean, on one hand it’s all cool to be the target of demons cuz that obviously means I am some sort of important threat to them in the millennia long war of good vs. evil and all that epic stuff. BUT IT ALSO REALLY SUCKS!

This personal awareness of course led to recognizing the extent of demonic influence and evil in the world.  I so wish I could convey the absolute hatred demons have for all of us, the brutality and horror they wish to inflict on us.  tThey seek to put evil in power and grind us down under it.  You need only see the headline grabbers of ISIS to Epstein to understand that.

My comic on here was attempting to convey my personal battle, but since then I’ve been overwhelmed seeing the extent of what this spiritual war is and I don’t know what to do next about it.  For now I will consider this post another step forward.  And I will seek to fight and stand firm better in the New Year.

Why Does Suffering Last So Long?

I never really questioned why there is suffering in the world, why God allows it, to me it simply is: a cursed world, fallen humans, and demons who want to destroy us all.  That’s enough to explain its existence to me, but I do wonder why it goes on for so long, why doesn’t God step in sooner to cries for help, what am I supposed to do to fix it?

I also feel like those are not necessarily the right questions to ask to get to the truth of the situation.  But confounded as I am in my present, long-standing circumstance, I still wonder why.  When will it end?  Am I doing enough to end it, or is it all about waiting on God?

But for the first question commonly asked, sometimes I think we suffer so we have the chance to do something heroic.  It may have popped in mind only because I’m listening to suitably evocative music as I write this, but it still seems comforting to think that suffering can bring meaning to life if one is valiant.  Oh, and add to that, suffering hones your sense of what really matters in your life.

But I still have no idea why it takes so long.

The Cliches: You’re Single Because You’re Idolizing Marriage or a Man

Cliche 1

General Problems

Here we have the saying that God disciplines the idolatrous heart by keeping away the object of its desire.

Unfortunately there are seldom given concrete examples of what constitutes idolatry, which could cause self-doubt in singles who are following God well enough.  They might worry about how they measure up to a vague idea of idolatry and impurity, rather than having a basic principle to measure their actions with.  It seems like there’s this nebulous view of what idolatry is, that anything that takes you away from thinking about God enough is somehow a problem.  It’s much simpler.

You can tell if you’re idolizing something by the fact that you will be willing to sin and compromise your integrity in order to get it.

  • Dating a non-believer for any reason?  That goes against God’s command to be equally yoked, and probably the command to flee from sexual temptation (the world generally disdains chastity).  Idolatry.
  • Willing to engage in premarital sex because you think that will speed up getting the ring?  Idolatry.
  • Settling for someone you don’t really love and will ultimately mistreat, because you want the marriage mile marker right now?  Great job loving your neighbor as yourself!  Idolatry.

It’s cutting corners and sinning to get whatever you feel you need right now, with no real concern for how it will ultimately affect you and those around you.

Honestly, I just had to give those examples because sometimes it feels like Christians will over-spiritualize things and thus if you feel yourself longing for marriage for more than two minutes you’re losing focus on God and everything will go wrong.  It’s not necessarily something people intend to convey, but sometimes the implication can be felt.  I guess it’s more prominent to me when people discuss a big picture concept but don’t include much detail.

The other problem with this cliche?

People still date and even marry in the Church while having idolatrous attitudes they didn’t fix.  Does God hold some singles back over this while others can bulldoze their way into a relationship with wrong motives or whatever?  That contrast isn’t brought up much.  I don’t know why.

Are singles single because they don’t like being single?  Are they single because they have more than a boringly moderate interest in marriage?  Why are some people still able enter relationships stupidly?  Why does it all seem unbalanced?

I don’t really have answers, I just feel like no one has really asked those questions before.

 

My Problem

The old saying that goes with this is: “You have to be content as a single and not look for anyone to date, and THEN…you’ll meet the One before you know it!”

“Put it all into God’s hands and let go…(you’re single cuz idolatry, let go already!)”

Well, maybe that is one dynamic that works for single people who have no idea if they’ll stay single or not and need to not get worked up about if they were super worried.

But I know I have a future husband, I know we’re supposed to meet sometime.  I can’t just forget about him or try to ignore him to fulfill some quasi-spiritual formula.  Because for me this isn’t simply, “I would like to be married, I need to date but it’s not working so far.”  It’s that I have part of my purpose pretty clearly indicated, I’m going to have a husband, unfortunately I don’t know how to find him and the particulars about clarifying that or moving forward.

It’s the difference between, “Don’t worry about something you can’t control at all” vs. “I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to do something when I know what my purpose is.  This is about obedience, not idolatry.”

I can’t wait around passively when I know the outcome of my situation.  I have to find a way through it.

And now I can finally tell all the cliches they don’t fit me at all, and do not help.  I’m certain there are others with similar frustrations.  I hope my posts will be a breath of fresh air.  I do kinda feel like I have to finish them all before I meet him. xD

(I know, to some extent, that the real fault holding me back is lack of courage, but I’ll talk about that after finish this series.)

Shadow World 5

SW05

New page!

I’m working on a website for my comics, because while this comics is pertinent to the themes of my blog, blogs aren’t good for comic series.  I don’t want pages mixed in with other posts and that sort of thing.  Because I need to write more posts!

And…the red really clashes with the pink background… o.O  XP